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- Jun 30, 11:16am
- Secret-Agent Update - the strange truth about Elvis Presley
Did you ever wonder what happened to Elvis Presley ? I mean *really* happened ? Oh before you get your hopes up he's dead all right. He's not in disguise behind the counter at some Piggly-Wiggly or driving a truck in Memphis. I mean did you ever wonder about the circumstances of his death ? The official story was that he died on the loo but frankly thats a bit ridiculous. I mean I've had some *awful* bad tummies when we've been doing photo-shoots in far-away places but I've never fallen off the loo dead yet. So ha-ha.. lets be realistic, please !
Earlier today I was in the basement of secret-service HQ looking for our file on the infiltration of Stumbleupon by various super-villains (which is why I'm posting here but thats another story). Anyway, tucked away on a dusty shelf at the back of the room I found a file on Elvis. I didn't even know we had one. Naturally I couldn't resist having a little peek inside and gosh, it was quite the eye-opener.
Elvis *did* die on the loo apparently but *not* of natural causes as you have been led to believe. In the weeks leading up to his death he had been playing Vegas and, as was his wont, he had indulged in a little after-show dalliance with a stunning japanese girl . Unfortunately she was the concubine of a Yakuza warlord who was in America for a short twin-center break at Las Vegas and Disney in Florida. Hearing that Elvis had been pissing on his sushi, so to speak, the enraged Yakuza Warlord swore that he would take a terrible revenge.
Unfortunately for Elvis this particular Warlord had under his control a secret group of mini-ninjas. Genetic mutations created in labs somewhere in Japan, they were tiny (and I mean *tiny*) Japanese martial arts assassins skilled in the black art of silent and undetectable murder. One of these mini-monsters, dressed in scuba-gear and clutching
a small harpoon, apparently swam through the water pipes at Graceland that fateful night, skilfully negotiated the U-bend, and surfaced in the Kings loo. There, with one swift upward thrust of his small but deadly harpoon, he changed the course of popular music forever.
As you would expect the Yakuza Warlord had the usual number of highly placed members of the US administration in his pay so a cover-up ensued and a fiction was fed to the public. Well, any nation that will accept the official version of the Kennedy assassination will believe pretty much anything, right ? So anyway thats what really happened to Elvis. Death by midget ninja assassin. I don't know about you but all of that makes me a little nervous of going to the loo. Its certainly something for you to think about the next time you're there yourself. I probably shouldn't have told you, should I ? You're only going to worry now and worry is not conducive to regularity. But honestly you'll be OK. Just as long as you haven't annoyed any Yakuza warlords lately .. Agent Abra
Elvis Presley in his heyday
but with the same expression as when the harpoon struck
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